Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Missing Daddy

So Paul left Sunday afternoon to start his training for his new position at his job.  What a horrible day!  As Paul backed out of the driveway and drove away I had to hold Zoe back because she wanted to run for him.  I tried to explain that he was going to "work" but she is too smart for that.  She cried for him for five hours.

Going to church was pretty rough only because I wasn't in the mood to be around people -- Zoe wasn't either.  The service was really good, though, and I appreciated the message.  Afterward we went to dinner at Pizza Hut.  Normally Zoe is crazy about that place, but on Sunday she just wasn't in the mood.  My dinner was spent taking care of two crying babies.

My sister-in-law spent the night with me on Sunday night.  Another friend dropped by too and we spent the evening walking the dog and watching comical movies.  I stayed up till around 1:30 because I wanted to be so exhausted that I didn't care if I went to bed alone.  Even being completely exhausted I had a hard time.  As soon as I laid down I felt myself have a panic attack.  I was so close to calling Paul and telling him to come home right now.  I was seriously freaking out -- tossing and turning, pacing, not able to breathe..  I finally snapped out of it and prayed to God:

God, I desperately need you right now!  Please cover my whole body in your divine peace and give me the courage I need to do this.  I cannot be like this for a week.  My kids need me right now.  PLEASE help me to gain control over my emotions!

Immediately I felt God's divine peace cover my body from head to toe.  I thanked Him so much I fell asleep with a prayer on my lips.

Monday was a lousy day.  I'm not even going to sugar coat it!  Zoe was still emotional -- "I want Daddy, Mom. I want Daddy."  When my mother-in-law came to pick up her daughter because they were leaving for a week long camping trip, Zoe had the worst meltdown.  She was seriously freaking out.  I felt so bad for my baby.  I held her and comforted her the best that I could.

We didn't get anything done that day.  The house still looks like a bomb blew up.. I hardly ate anything because I had no appetite at all.. I cried every few minutes..  It was a nightmare.

I was invited over to my brother and sister-in-law's house for dinner last night, and a part of me wanted to go, but I knew I was such a wreck I would not be a fun person to be around.  Plus, the way Zoe handled Paul and her Gram leaving, I didn't think she would do so well with going over to her cousin's house and not seeing her there (they went on the camping trip too).  I couldn't do that to Zoe.  And not to mention I was too nervous being out after dark.  Instead, I made Hamburger Helper and the kids and I ate dinner in front of the TV watching America's Funniest Home Videos.  Pathetic, aren't we?

I put the kids to bed and stayed up late to work.  I have a lot of work to do this week and because I didn't do anything the whole day, I knew I needed to do some before bed.  I stayed up till a little after midnight before I felt ok with going to bed.

I set up the pack-n-play in my bedroom for both the kids to sleep in there.  They have slept together multiple times and in the past they had done so well!  I wanted them with my in my room so that if anything happened -- a break-in, fire, etc. -- I would have my babies close by instead of them being on the opposite ends of the house.  Who would I go to first?

Anyways, they went to bed just fine.  After midnight I tiptoed in and crawled into bed and you know what?  No tears. =)  I knew I got one day down and I could do this.  Not even 20 minutes later both kids tossed and turned.  They were thirsty, they needed diaper changes, they were plumb restless!  I figured it wasn't going to work having them sleep in the same bed, so I brought Zoe in bed with me.  I figured I would give it a try and see how she would do.


She wasn't going to sleep with me either.  I finally put her in her own bed, but I could still hear her toss and turn.. ask for drinks.. whine.. sing songs.. you name it!  She didn't fall asleep till around 5:30 this morning -- which means Mommy didn't get to fall asleep till around 5:30 this morning.


The kids "slept in" till around 9:30 this morning.  I was pretty bummed when they woke up because I was still so exhausted, but what can ya do?  I brought my babies to bed with me and we lounged around and watched Blues Clues in bed before breakfast.

So far the kids have had their oatmeal and I am still working on my morning coffee.  When I'm done with this post I plan on going through my chore chart and getting this house whipped back into shape.  I am so thankful that God is giving me the motivation I need.  I do not want another day like yesterday.  One cannot live like that for a whole week.

I have so much I want to get done today -- I want to do everything on my chore chart, I have a lot of work because I'm helping a coworker this week, I want to start Zoe on pre-preschool (I was supposed to start yesterday), Baylee needs her walks.. etc.  The rest of this week is going to fly by for me -- thank the good Lord!

If I get everything done that I want, I would like to take the kids to the park -- Zoe would love to go on the "woo" (slide) and I think Bubba would like to play with her too.  We shall see.

My Mom told me yesterday that I am going to realize just how much I can handle this week.  It is definitely a growing up lesson.  Obviously it has been hard the past couple days, but it's a lesson I needed to learn eventually.  I can do this!  One day at a time...

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